Independent living by people with disabilities does not equate with never needing help. But it does mean help should not be imposed against a person’s will.
Can I help you? is a fair question to ask someone with a disability. But it’s not okay to rush in with the help you think is needed and thereby create a problem. Overzealous helpers can do a lot of harm! Parents know this well. Some have sent their dwarf child to school independent in toileting and shoelaces. They become exasperated when a teacher undermines independence by carrying the child to the toilet and tying their shoelaces.
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Adults with disabilities are similarly challenged by rogue helpers. Take for example when I pull into a parking space. They right away step up and open the driver’s door. Sounds like the chivalrous thing to do, right? However, it’s the opposite of what I need. I have to ask them to give my door back so I can lean on the armrest to lower myself to the ground. Likewise, it’s not okay for a public restroom attendant to use the master key to burst into my cubicle intent on providing assistance!
So instead of barreling in with unwanted aid, make an offer and wait for the person with a disability to accept or refuse. Typically, I’ll decline help when it’s something I can do myself. For example, people frequently offer to get my mobility scooter in or out of the car. But I say no thanks, because a lift raises and lowers the scooter from the trunk to the ground. Besides, if I let helpers manually lift the scooter in, it would be disconnected from the lift and I would be unable to get the scooter out of the car.
I’m willing to accept or ask for help, but only when the task is beyond my ability and to refuse means I’ll miss out on something I want to do or need to happen. Several cases come to mind: as a teenager I let my father carry me up and down stairs in a glow worm cave; in high school, I allowed class mates to carry me on a trek across farm hills to a beach party; after travelling thousands of miles from New Zealand to Malaysia, I accepted a helping hand up long flights of stairs with no handrails to enjoy hilltop scenery, and agreed to be lifted onto a chair to reach a laser machine for eye surgery.
Other situations that cause me to ask for, or accept, help include: reaching something on a high shelf; changing a flat tire; and breaking through unexpected access barriers, such as a driveway being blocked by a wall of snow created by a snow plow and an out-of-service elevator.
One final thing. If a person with a disability accepts or asks for help, it’s critical to wait for and follow instructions. Doing it wrong can inflict pain or injury. And no one needs a helper that makes a situation worse.
For more of my writing, subscribe to my weekly blog and find links to my dwarfism memoir trilogy at https://angelamuirvanetten.com.
3 replies on “Can I Help You?”
Good for me to know
Very helpful to understand better how to be considerate and truly helpful to those among us with a disability. Thank you!
This was very helpful in knowing how to approach someone with a visible disability without being overbearing or a hindrance.