Category: Etiquette

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Etiquette

HANDSHAKES: Purpose, Etiquette, and Alternatives

Handshake

The handshake is an ancient greeting dating back to 900 BC to seal alliances and 500 BC to convey peace and confirm the absence of a weapon. Centuries later, the Quakers handshake communicated a sense of equality between the parties. Today, handshakes are used to welcome, accept, honor, respect, congratulate, and express peace, goodwill, or gratitude.

For people with dwarfism, the handshake also represents what little people are looking for in society—acceptance, equality, and respect. Nobody has expressed this better than Paul Steven Miller, Equal Employment Opportunity Commissioner (1994-2004):

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“Little people are looking for a handshake not a handout.”

At four-feet-five-inches, Miller was initially denied a welcome handshake from prospective employers. After graduating from Harvard law school, 45 law firms denied him equal treatment, ignored his credentials, and failed to offer him a job. One employer shamelessly disclosed fear that his presence in the law firm would cause clients to mistake the office for a circus freak show! (All this prior to Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) protections.)

Although job discrimination is still widespread, in post ADA America, applicants with dwarfism now enter an interview room standing on solid legal ground. Nonetheless a candidate at an in-person job interview must still convince an employer that they are the right person for the position. A good handshake can help deliver this message.

According to the founders of National Handshake Day—celebrated on June 29—when two people shake hands, especially when eye contact is made, they are more likely to have a personal connection and relate positively to the other person. CareerBuilder.com adds that shaking hands, makes people twice as likely to remember you than if you didn’t shake hands. Even though little people don’t need any help getting people to remember us, our handshake must still stand up to scrutiny and not make a bad impression.

A handshake needs to strike the right balance. A firm handshake reflects a confident personality, but a tight grip is too aggressive. In contrast, a floppy handshake projects insincerity or weakness. Yet a soft hold with no eye contact is preferred in East Asian nations.

As a little person with arthritic hands and finger joints I have regularly regretted responding to a handshake gesture. The pain inflicted lingers long after the greeter lets go my hand. Consequently, as politely as possible, I reluctantly buck etiquette and decline to reciprocate. However, I avoid disrespecting the person extending their hand to me by explaining my predicament and offering an alternative greeting.

The fist and elbow bumps popularized during the COVID-19 pandemic has made it easier for people to accept alternative greetings. Other no-contact greetings include:

  • Hand over heart: placing your right hand over your heart.
  • Wai bow: palms pressed together and a small head bow so that your fingers touch the gap between your eyebrows.
  • Shaka sign: three middle fingers folded down while the pinky and thumb are pointed upward and then shaking your hand back and forth.

So what’s in vogue in your world: handshakes or alternate greetings?

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    Categories
    Etiquette

    Renounce Common Discourtesy, PLEASE

    book

    As much as it annoys me when people forget to say “please” and “thank you,” today I ask people to use common courtesy when encountering someone with dwarfism or another disability. So in honor of March 21st, National Common Courtesy Day, please renounce the following common discourtesies, today and always.

    1. Staring or Finger Pointing

    An overwhelming majority of people with dwarfism suffer from strangers pointing fingers and piercing eyes that won’t let go of their gaze. The sight of someone so short is more than they can handle politely. This unsolicited attention is not only rude, but also can discourage people from going out in public and makes us uncomfortable when we do venture out.

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    2. Ridiculing

    Recently, a Paralympic swimmer from Great Britain made headlines when he said he was “sick to death” of being laughed at on the street because of his dwarfism. When he spoke out against the ridicule he had been subjected to his whole life, he tapped into a ground swell of public support for his inclusion and respect. His experience resonates with many people of short stature engaged in the same fight.

    3. Touching

    According to one study, one third of people with dwarfism have been physically touched by strangers in public. We have been patted on the head for good luck, to see if we are real, or in the manner used to greet a child. Some even try to pick us up without permission. This is both discourteous and dangerous. So don’t even think about it.

    4. Spacing

    Invading personal space is incredibly disrespectful. However, it’s not uncommon for people to discount my presence and encroach on the space immediately above my head. They might reach over my head to shake hands with someone in front of me or to get food from a buffet table beside me. The drip from a spoon passing overhead adds insult to injury.

    During COVID-19 restrictions, physical distancing was recommended. But it’s both obnoxious and reprehensible when the noncompliant close the gap and put those unable to be vaccinated at high risk for infection. Although restrictions have been lifted in many places, COVID is still killing people. So please step back when asked to do so.

    5. Talking

    Researchers have reported that three-quarters of people with dwarfism have been verbally abused. Names like hunchback, midget, runt, stumpy and dolly are derogatory, demeaning, and worthy of disdain. Delete them from your list of adjectives for little people. And don’t tolerate it when your friends use such crass vocabulary.

    6. Filming or Photographing

    The “take a picture it lasts longer” retort to someone staring at you is risky. The person could whip out their cell phone, snap a photo, or take a video. Many take pictures of us when they think we’re not looking. This alarming trend is exacerbated by fears that the photos will appear on social media hate sites or as trophies on personal pages. Don’t click and definitely don’t post.

    Thanks in advance for exercising common courtesy.

    For further discussion, read “Dwarfs Don’t Live in Doll Houses,” https://angelamuirvanetten.com/dwarfs-dont-live-in-doll-houses/ chapter 3, Educated; chapter 6, Attitudes Disable; and chapter 9, Attention Gives Opportunity.

    Categories
    Etiquette

    Impact of Snow White’s Fictional Dwarfs on Actual Dwarfs

    Snow White
    Image by Ina Hall from Pixabay

    More than 200 years have passed since the Grimm brothers were inspired by European folklore to write “Little Snow-White.” But it was Disney’s release of the first full-length animated feature film—“Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs”—on February 4, 1938 that etched this fairy tale into popular culture. Seventy years later, the American Film Institute ranked the movie among the 100 greatest American films and the greatest American animated film of all time.

    So how does the film and its’ progeny rank among 21st century dwarfs? Thanks to members of the Dwarfism group on Facebook, my question—“if and how ‘Snow

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    White and the Seven Dwarfs’ has affected your life”— was answered with many comments that meshed with my own experience. For several little people who had seen the movie or a pantomime as a child, it was our first time seeing other dwarfs. Some of our parents explained that when we grew up we would be short just like the dwarfs in the play; others figured this out on their own. But we all felt like we weren’t alone in the world.

    Several little people reported simply enjoying the movie for what it was—a fairy tale, a humorous cartoon. They never gave it another thought. My husband Robert enjoyed his kiss on the cheek from Snow White when she spotted him, a dwarf, in the crowd at a Disney parade. Another fellow has fun watching people’s reactions when he wears shirts that have Grumpy on them with various slogans.

    For others, the movie has bad memories attached to it: ridicule; name-calling; singing or whistling “Heigh-Ho” as they walk by; being tagged with one of the dwarf names; or hearing smart remarks like, “I didn’t know Snow White had eight dwarfs.” When our average sized friend Carol walked into a restaurant with several little people including her husband and son, she overheard patrons saying, “Who does she think she is, Snow White?”

    The stereotypes associated with the seven dwarfs is also damaging. The notion that true life dwarfs are destined to be cast as one of the dwarfs in a pantomime performance of Snow White is insulting. This is especially a problem in the United Kingdom where panto is hugely popular at Christmas and little people are told about this job opportunity. Many assume our size makes us suited to this role regardless of whether we can act, sing, or clown. My husband Robert and I experienced something similar when we met for lunch in a restaurant and the maître d’ assumed we were part of the traveling Muppet Show entourage. He was appropriately embarrassed when Robert informed him that he was an engineer and I was a lawyer.

    Performance is a viable choice for talented dwarfs, but dwarfs who qualify in a profession, trade or some other business don’t belong on stage and should not bow to such pressure.

    How does this compare with your experience?

    For more of my writings, go to https://angelamuirvanetten.com where you can subscribe to my weekly blog, find several retail links to my book—“Pass Me Your Shoes”—and anticipate the summer 2021 publication of book III—Always An Advocate—in my dwarfism trilogy.

    Categories
    Etiquette FAQs

    What should I call you?

    Political Correctness
    Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

    Call me whatever you like, just don’t call me late for dinner. This line works well in comedy, but not so much when interacting with people with disabilities. And don’t believe it when people say, sticks and stone will break my bones, but names will never hurt me.” Name calling does hurt!

    Here are some of the offensive words used to describe people with disabilities—crippled, retarded, dumb, psycho, midget, handicapped, spastic. All these words are negative and degrade the person with a disability. It’s time to stop using them.

    When confronted about their poor choice of words, some people say, Oh, I didn’t know.

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    Others claim to be only joking while the worst offenders are egged on and get louder and more obnoxious. Well, ignorance and using people as the butt of their jokes should not be tolerated in a civil society.

    Sure, there is some genuine confusion. After all, terminology does change over time. For example, I was a crippled child, a handicapped teenager, and now a disabled adult. I’m still the same person despite aging through many decades, but the words to describe my condition have changed. It’s not enough to keep up with fashion trends, we must also stay current with our language.

    So why italicize disabled adult? That’s because it’s a violation of disability etiquette to describe a person by their disability. See the person first, not the disability. We are not defined by our disabilities. This translates into using person first language. Don’t say, the blind man or the deaf girl. Instead say, the man who is blind or the girl who is deaf. Yes, I know it’s not as literary or concise, but it’s better to be polite and sensitive.

    Another common phenomenon is for people to go overboard with endearing words like dear, pet, or darling. I don’t hear the endearment, I hear patronizing. But before assuming they see me as a needy cause, I listen to see if they use the same words when talking to people without disabilities. If the endearments are applied to everyone, then I know no distinction is being made between people with and without disabilities.

    Another trend is for people to downplay disability with euphemisms, such as physically challenged. My problem with this one is that in trying not to offend, the disability experience is undermined. Disability is not something that needs to be softened as something unpalatable, it’s a fact that needs to be acknowledged and embraced as part of human diversity.

    So, for those not wanting to offend, you might now worry about inadvertently using offensive language. My best advice is don’t ask, What should I call you? The better question to ask is, What’s your name? When a person with a disability answers this question, it’s important to remember, A good name is to be more desired than great wealth, Favor is better than silver and gold. Proverbs 22:1. New American Standard Bible.

    This blog post was first published as a guest post on https://aisforadelaide.com/2020/08/26/what-should-i-call-you/. For more of Angela’s writings go to her website at https://angelamuirvanetten.com where you can subscribe to her weekly blog and find retail links to her new book, Pass Me Your Shoes: A Couple with Dwarfism Navigate Life’s Detours with Love and Faith.

    Categories
    Etiquette

    That’s Not Funny

    Enjoy a Joke

    Image by seojob from Pixabay

    We all have a funny bone, right? But don’t ask me to find it on a skeletal model. Yet I do know that funny bone development is individualized to our personality, culture and sensitivity.  As a kiwi (New Zealander), I can laugh uproariously at a British comedy while my husband Robert sits next to me without the hint of a smile.

    As August 16th is National Tell A Joke Day it’s a good time to think about what makes us laugh.

    For example, many have a penchant for bloopers whether it be outtakes from a TV episode or mistakes in a church bulletin. Here’s a few bulletin bloopers that made me laugh:
    •    Don’t forget next month’s prayer and fasting conference. Registration is only $50 and that price includes all meals and snacks.
    •    Potluck supper at 5. Prayer and medication to follow.
    •    Please pray for Joe to have a good autopsy result.

    Situational comedy can also be funny. Take for example the only scene that I found slightly amusing in the poorly rated movie, “Under the Rainbow.” A man stepped into the elevator at six feet tall and after a fast and bumpy descent stepped out at four feet tall. In addition to bloopers, Terri Garey is credited as saying, Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves because they shall never cease to be amused.

    Many comedians have mastered the ability to make fun of themselves. Although we are not comedians, my husband Robert and I often joke about being aliens as the reason why we get along so well—he’s from Jupiter and I’m from New Zealand. Other comedians revel in making fun of people who are different. Sadly, making fun of others has become a national past-time that in some cases has escalated to bullying and hate crimes.

    Those of us who are different are tired of being the butt of jokes. We are not amused at being ridiculed because of our appearance. Name the difference and there is a joke to go with it. Obesity related jokes can be merciless in their cruelty and offensiveness. It’s not funny to mimic the speech and movement of a person with cerebral palsy or the walk of a person with short stature. On occasion, when I have seen a group of kids laughing, pointing, and mimicking the way I walk, I have confronted them. I challenge them to get it right by walking and climbing stairs without bending their knees. They quickly learn that my way of walking is no joking matter.

    Yet those who object to being the butt of a joke are accused of being thin skinned and not having a sense of humor. But a healthy sense of humor and ability to appreciate a good joke comes from those who value people for who they are and not what they look like. People made in God’s image, for His pleasure not our amusement.

    Look for the October release of my book—PASS ME YOUR SHOES: A Couple with Dwarfism Navigates Life’s Detours with Love and Faith. For more book information go to https://angelamuirvanetten.com.